The Telephone and the Dark Powers it Possesses

Growing up, young girls everywhere are seduced by the glories of telephone communication. When I was a kid, the privileged ones had their very own telephone lines so that they were always able to have private conversations at any time, and talk as long as they so pleased without having parents or other siblings yelling at them to get off the phone. These days children as young as five are toting cell phones to school in their Hello Kitty backpacks. There is one thing that none of us were ever prepared for: that one day we would hate the phone. I'm not sure what it is, but once a child is born, they have an almost instinctive drive to make sure that the phone and their mother's ear do not stay in contact. When the phone touches mommy's ear, even the quietest child will muster a good cry, scream, or wild laughter.

But it's not only children! I have recently discovered that pet owners have this problem, too. My two pups, Sasha and Aoife, will suddenly burst forth from a deep sleep into a wild, barking, growling frenzy. Suddenly the house becomes a wrestling ring, and the fur is flying. I'll leave the room, and they will follow. Just like children. I find a quiet room to make my phone calls, especially the important ones, just like I know all you parents do...but they follow. The children. The animals. They KNOW. I'm telling you, there is no escape. You can lock yourself in the bathroom, but the acoustics are overpowering for both parties on the phone. You can lock yourself in your bedroom, but there is pounding on the door. You become even more distracted than before. Alas, you submit to failure. You sit on the bed as the children jump next to you, and the puppies snarl. The customer service rep on the other end of the line praises Jesus when you finally hang up the phone. And what do you know? As soon as the phone call is over, suddenly everyone is calm again.